Planning to Migrate to Linux? BEWARE!!!

As more noise in favor of GNU/Linux is heard, some people might feel tempted to replace their solid, green-red-blue-and-yellow Windows system with an unknown, shady, black-and-white Linux penguin. Some of these users, thinking they are about to enter the Promised Land, fail to fully consider the disastrous consequences that abandoning the firm, old Windows tradition may cause.

In this light, I found appropriate to let these naive migrants know a number of issues to consider before they take the leap to their doom. These issues are based on empirical, but honest observation and may bring upon me the deepest animosity among GNU/Linux fans...even so, I'm determined to continue. The truth will be by my side.

Dear Windows user, before you migrate to Linux, make sure you understand some of the side-effects that may come after you take your experimental Linux pill:


1. Your computer may become dull or stop working:
Windows is a happy, efficient world where computers respond promptly and just work. They work and work even when you don't know. They work as zombies and botnets, sending spam mail (in the best of the cases) for some hacker out there who rightfully earned control over them. Just last year, there was an estimate of twelve million zombies. That is four times the whole population of a small country like mine. Imagine! A whole country made of zombies!!! That is a happy country! Windows is a happy world in which you (if you're a hacker) command and computers react. They react promptly to Trojans, worms and malware of all forms under the sun. If you install Linux and use it as your main OS, your computer may stop reacting to the Trojans, worms and malware that took cyber-criminals a lot of time and effort to design. Of course, if you engage into irresponsible security behavior, your PC may still be responsive to them, but not as it was with Windows. Are you sure you want a dull computer like that? Who wants a computer that fails to respond to malware by default? What? Your computer has never been part of a botnet, you say? Are you sure? Then, why is it that some users complain that their PCs still download updates regardless of their preferences? They are part of the biggest botnet in the world, that's why!

2. You will be totally unprotected:
Yes. It is not a mistake. Installing Linux will drag you away from computer protection. Windows users are protected by a very strong, fortified system of placebos: the solid support from Microsoft (that usually ignores or denies the problems, but after a considerable number of users complain, gives in and releases the patches), the A/V technologies (that are always playing catch-up with the malware), and Windows Security Essentials (that are pretty similar to A/Vs, but create a much better placebo effect because they come right from Microsoft). In contrast, once you install Linux, the only responsible for your protection will be yourself...and the penguin, that by the way, is armored to its teeth (yes! that bird has teeth and uses them to gnaw malware as fish!) Why would you want to take care of your own security as the Robin of a Bat-penguin if the placebo system will let you relax making you think that it is on charge (even if it isn't)?

3. Your world will go upside down:
Beware! Great danger here! After getting acquainted with Linux, you may discover some awful truths that will make your world shatter like broken Windows. For example, you may discover that you were paying for features Open Source gives you for free! Also, you may realize that some hardware manufacturers innocently make Linux installation and support harder...but who cares? That benefits indirectly our old friend! Your printer or scanner don't work? It is your fault for choosing to install an OS that is not proprietary and therefore has no proprietary drivers. You may then realize a horrible truth: companies don't care about customer satisfaction with their product...they just care about their policies. What's to them that you cannot use your hardware? You bought it already, silly person! You may also realize that all the hardware improvements your OS demanded from you were totally unnecessary. Linux could give life to that old computer you had sitting on a corner collecting dust. Imagine if all those old computers that people sent to the trashcan were still working perfectly...yes...much less pollution and a greener world. Forget the thought. All of us will die anyway, so let's keep littering and let our traditional OS tell us we need to replace our computers when we actually don't need to! That is part of life!

4. Your rights will be severed:
Linux is not just Ubuntu. This is a hard concept to grasp and it might blow your mind. Yes, Windows is Windows regardless if it is 3.11, 95, 98, 2000, ME (Wow! This is such a jewel!), XP, Vista (Another little gem!), or Vista/7. They all are Windows, full of the friendly features you cannot miss (BSODs, system crashes, freezes, etc.). What about Linux? Ubuntu? Naaah! Ubuntu is just ONE Linux flavor and all Linux flavors behave quite differently. With Windows, things are simple: if your Windows doesn't work, you have a dead computer. Simple and nice. With Linux, things are so complicated! If Ubuntu doesn't work, then there is Mandriva. If Mandriva doesn't work, then you could try Mint. No? What about Mepis? What did you say? All of them worked fine but but you don't like them? You can fully customize them as you want. No time for that? Then try Fedora, PCLinuxOS, Debian, OpenSuse, Sabayon, Pardus, Arch, Slackware, Red Hat, Puppy, Knoppix, Elive, Unity...and the list goes on! Why does Linux have to make things so complex? Who wants so many options plus the total freedom to choose? Doesn't that crazy penguin know that it is much better to tell users what they need or want and limit the choices to 5 options most (reducing them progressively, too)? That is the RIGHT way of doing things because your right is to be kept on a nice leash (as your computer, crippled by design, is)! Freedom is for free people and in this happy world being free means being sad...and alone. Therefore, Linux brings sadness! Get Linux, get ready for a very sad life!

I could continue mentioning the dangers of the learning process (remember: learning makes sick brains!) that embracing that obnoxious penguin may also bring about, but I'm done for now. I will just sit down and wait for GNU/Linux fans to start tearing me apart rabidly. Hopefully, dear Windows user, you will think twice before falling for Linux.